Playing a Made-Up Game

"It began this way: Gwen Martin, 44, was divorced from Doug Zalk after 11 years of marriage and two daughters, Erica, 14, and Georgia, 10. Mike Martin and Christy Kendall, both 48, were divorced after 11 years and three kids: Ellie, 13; Maisy, 10, and Henry, 9.

Then Gwen married Mike, Christy married Earl Kendall, and the rest is blended-family history.

Together the two couples share five children, and they function so well as an extended family that in April 2008 they took the kids to France for spring break. The joint outings work because, Mike Martin says, he already had a respectful relationship with his ex-wife. After their split, Christy Kendall vowed "to aspire to the best divorce that ever was."

If the mission's been accomplished, it's probably due to nature, says Gwen Martin: "I truly would choose to spend time with every person in this equation, outside of the circumstances that brought us together."

The other reason? Effort. "We put the kids first, and put our egos on hold," says Earl Kendall, 50, who has a college-aged son. "Like everyone, I would certainly prefer to get my own way all the time. But in order to make this work, you can't."

The Kendalls and Martins have learned what some people never do: Confrontation usually breeds hostility -- and lasting ill will. Also, Mike Martin says, "fundamentally, our values are in alignment and we strive for solutions -- with one superordinate goal in mind: the kids' happiness."

Like all kids who move from one house to another, the transitions and re-entry to a different household mid-week can be challenging. But Erica Zalk, 14, says that for the most part, "it's really a lot of fun; there's always someone to play with."

And although certainly they can be annoyed with one another, the parental quartet has become adept at stuffing it.

"It's taken practice and effort," Christy Kendall concedes. And editing. If she's peeved, she pounds the keyboard on her Mac. "I sit down and bang out 200 angry words -- and then I delete all that's not necessary -- and I end up with 20 straightforward words, saying what I want."

Gwen Martin puts it this way: "If I have any advice, it's give everybody the benefit of the doubt, and don't put your stake in the sand."

Kate McCarthy is a Minneapolis freelance writer.